Acquaintances Like Us
by Sushi Chi
Summary: Peter is not fifty and Stiles is not twelve and Derek just needs to let Stiles get into his pants. Sterek.


******Disclaimer: Alas, I don't own Teen Wolf.  
**A/N: Oh God. I really cannot explain this one. But I kind of love it. Kind of crack. Also, I want to do more in this 'verse. Because this was so much fun, you have no idear.  


"I just want to bang him." Stiles said, flopping down on the sofa with and orange in his hand.

"Ew." Peter replied, not looking up from his magazine.

"Did you just 'ew' me?" Stiles asked, shocked.

"Shush." Peter said, flipping the page.

"Did you just 'shush' me?" Stiles' mouth was open.

Peter cleared his throat, "Is He More Than Just a Friend? Question one," ignoring Stiles groan, he continued, "When he's with his friends and see's you, he: a) Always runs over and says hi and see how you are; b) Nods to you, but continues his convo; or c) Barely looks up."

Stiles started to try and peel his orange, "He barely looks up."

Peter nodded, "Question two. You have been friends for: a) So long you can't remember how you met;" Stiles snorted at this, "b) A couple weeks - you're still getting to know each other; or c) A few months, ever since that school trip you went on together."

Stiles frowned, "None of them. I mean, I've known him a few months but there was no school trip."

Peter made a thoughtful noise, "We'll claim that you guys killing me was a school trip."

"We were trying to defeat you that one time at the school. Where you almost killed Derek." Stiles added.

"True." Peter smiled and grabbed the orange out of Stiles' hands because he was clearly having trouble peeling it. "Question three. What's the last compliment he gave you? a) 'Nice outfit!'" Peter frowned, "That had an explanation mark. He doesn't use those."

"Yes he does." Stiles said, "In fact, he's used one when describing my clothes which apparently is very New York's homeless looking."

"b) 'You're so cool.'; or c) 'Thanks for giving me a ride'." Peter finished.

"He wouldn't say I'm cool." Stiles said, "And for all the times I've driven him around he never thanked me."

Peter shrugged, "But that is the most likely thing he'd say. We're going with option c." Clearing his throat, he said, "Your result is that you are Close Acquaintances." He handed the orange back.

"Fuck that." Stiles said, biting down on the fruit, "We are more than that. That quiz is a liar."

"You can't fool teen magazine quizzes, Stiles." Peter said, "Do you want to know what Celebrity Fragrance is For You?"

"No." Stiles said, "Derek freaks out whenever I change stuff like that."

Peter nodded, "Smell is very important."

"No shit." Stiles said, finishing his orange. "How can I get into his pants? And like, also, a relationship? I don't just want him for his body."

"We should research." Peter said, looking up from his magazine, "We'll watch Twilight and take notes."

Stiles choked out a laugh, "Research is our thing."

.

"Hey dad," Stiles said, leaning against the counter, "I've got a friend coming over later, we're going to watch a bad movie and make fun of it. Also get tips on how to woo people."

"Sounds like a good idea. Learning how to woo via bad movie." John said dryly. "I'll be here until nine, but you and your friend aren't going to stay up late or go and search for a dead body." He raised an eyebrow to make his point.

Stiles laughed nervously, "Oh, we'd more likely go out and create our own dead," he paused, "body?" He sounded unsure of himself.

John sighed and after giving Stiles a blank look, he walked away.

An hour later the doorbell rang and John noticed that Stiles was busy cutting crusts off some sandwiches so he got up and answer the door. Besides, he was curious as to who this friend was. It wasn't Scott, Stiles wouldn't have bothered telling him that he was coming over.

Opening the door he saw a vaguely familiar looking man there. "Hello? Can I help you?"

"I'm here for Stiles." Peter said.

"Well that isn't creepy." John remarked to himself and frowned when Peter snorted in amusement, "Stiles, there is a grown ass man here for you."

"It's my friend!" Stiles yelled back, "Let him in."

"How the hell is he your friend?" John asked, "He's like fifty."

"How dare you," Peter said, frowning, "I am not fifty."

"Yeah," Stiles said, appearing next to John's side, "He's really young looking for his age."

"Stiles!" Peter yelled, affronted, "At least when I look younger than I am I don't get people thinking I'm a preteen."

"Harsh." Stiles said, nodding. "Kudos to you, dude. Come on in."

"Hold on." John said, "Who are you?"

"Peter." He said, holding out his hand, "It's nice to meet you Sheriff, I admire you for stopping the murderers." He shook John's hand then quickly ducked into the house and went straight into the kitchen. "Ooh! Sandwiches."

"That is your friend?" John asked, still in the doorway next to his son, "And you are going to watch bad movies to learn how to woo people?"

"Well," Stiles started, "it's more so that I can learn how. I mean, he might still have his eye on Ms. McCall, I don't know for sure."

"Does he," John frowned, not knowing exactly how to ask this, "has he ever-"

"No bad touching has happened." Stiles said, "He's helping me learn how to seduce his nephew."

"You cut the crusts off!" Peter cried happily.

John ran a hand over his face, "I'm going out."

"You said you didn't have to work until nine." Stiles said.

"I know I should stay here to protect your virtue-"

"Dad!"

"-but I just." He stopped then and walked away.

"Bye dad!" Stiles called after him, "Be safe!"

He walked into the kitchen where Peter looked up guilty while eating a sandwhich. "I'm not going to bad touch you. You look like you're twelve."

"Thanks." Stiles replied dryly.

"You're welcome." Peter grabbed the plate of food, "I brought the movie."

"Good, because I don't own it." Stiles said, "Why would I own it? I mean, Twilight is-"

"You're joking." Peter said staring at him, "Are you saying that I went out and bought this movie and you own it?"

"No?" Stiles said. When Peter hardened his gaze, he blurted, "I'm sorry, I bought it when you first bit Scott and I was doing some research on werewolves."

"You enjoyed it!" Peter accused.

"No!" Stiles yelled, "Well, maybe, like, a little bit." He held up his hand and had his thumb and index finger almost touching, "A little bit. It's the shirtless men."

"Derek is shirtless a lot." Peter said, trying to make conversation.

"I'm well aware." Stiles sounded slightly pained and Peter laughed at him.

They put the movie in and got comfortable on the sofa. Peter was finishing the last of the sandwiches before Stiles pressed play. It didn't take long before Peter found something that might help Stiles win Derek over, "They're doing a lot of staring longingly at each other across the room."

"I do that all the time." Stiles said, waving his hand in the air, "It doesn't seem to be helping." Pausing, he continued, "Actually once Derek asked me if I had gas."

"You poor child." Peter commented quietly, patting him on the leg.

"I know." Stiles moaned, "I gave him my best pining looks and he gives me nothing."

A few minutes later and Stiles had his head resting on Peter's leg and a piece of liquorice hanging out of his mouth, "Maybe I need to dramatically tell him that I know he's a werewolf."

Peter made a thoughtful noise, "It probably wouldn't hurt. There is an area of the woods that looks very similar to that. I can take you out there, make sure you get lost and then tell Derek that you're lost in the woods alone."

"Let's make that like, Plan H or something. Doesn't sound like tons of fun to me." Stiles said. "Getting lost in the woods isn't really a hobby of mine."

Peter snorted, "Could have fooled me."

"Ass." Stiles said.

"You don't need to mention my ass, I'm well aware as to how beautiful it is." Peter smirked.

"Gross." Stiles laughed. "I don't want to think about your ass."

"You wish yours was as nice as mine." Peter said.

"Maybe when I'm fifty. But right now my ass is better." Stiles said.

"Stop it!" Peter pouted, "I'm not fifty."

Both Stiles and Peter looked up when they heard a crash from his bedroom. "What?"

Peter frowned, "I don't-"

Derek ran into the living room, eyes red, "What is going on?"

Stiles and Peter shared a look, "We're watching a movie." Stiles said, "He ate all the food though."

"You might say I had been Hungry Like the Wolf." Peter shrugged.

Stiles chuckled, "Nice one."

"Thank you." Peter gave a small smile.

"Why is his head on your lap?" Derek demanded.

"His leg is comfy?" Stiles suggested.

"Up." Derek walked over to them. "Sit up, Stiles."

Stiles groaned but sat up, "What's your problem, you-"

Derek shoved Peter over and then sat down between them. "You can lay back down if you want to." Derek stared angrily at the screen.

Behind Derek's head, Stiles gave Peter a look of triumph while Peter gave Stiles a thumbs up. Stiles laid back down, his head no on Derek's lap.


End file.
